And This Time It's All About You
by melborousse
Summary: Sometimes all it takes to earn love is to show your own weaknesses. Abby/Ziva.
1. Chapter 1: a familiar face

**And this time it's all about You**

Chapter** 1**

You close your eyes. Try not to think about what you are doing. The people around you are talking too fast. Their words are nothing but stupid. Not real. Not important. They are unclear. Making you dizzy. Everything is blurry right now. (Only for you?)

The alcohol is burning down your throat like acid. All déjà vu to you.

Cause it isn't as if it never happened to you before. Sleeping not enough, drinking too much. Whilst trying to drown your own mind. (How bad it is such a good swimmer.)

You watch the people around you. Some are dancing some are sitting around but no one seems to care about you, the raven-haired woman. The lab tech who is totally out of control right now.

The people sitting in the corners at their small tables the ones on stage. They all have one thing in common. The beat of the music is rushing through their veins.

And you feel lost. Lost between the big mass of people swaying around, dancing. It doesn't feel as if it ends tonight. You are sure nothing does. But maybe it's the time for a new start anyway. Time for something else to begin.

And you close your eyes. Begin to move with the group. At first slowly but then faster and faster. Your arms are in the air high above your head. And you feel the flow. Calm down. Remember your first times of drinking, smoking, remember your first job. Now you feel save. This was always your place to feel home at.

…

You decide to take a break. Make your way to the bar. You order one more drink. You turn around, take a first step forward and then you stop.

There, almost hidden in the crowd of people, is a familiar face.

It's something you haven't expected. Something you haven't planned. And you don't know how to react.

You would have never thought she would go out to a club like this. But she really is here. Near you.

And she looks even more gorgeous than she normally does at work. That makes it harder for you not to watch her every little move.

You know that she hasn't noticed you yet but what you know too is that she will if you don't stop looking at her like that. Cause she seems to have that skill where she senses whenever you watch her. And your not in the condition you want her to see you in.

This is the first time you are afraid to be discovered by a co worker. (At least the first time that you can remember in your condition.)

If she were to look up now, look straight into your eyes, she would see what you feel. For her.

Would see how much you care (about her), how much you are afraid she could be gone one day you come to work. Could be gone back to Israel. Back home. To never return.

But it's nothing you would ever tell her. As much as you want to. You know inside that it would ruin what you have now. It's not much but it is more than nothing. More than you had dared to hope for after the death of your beloved Kate.

And you still have hopes up that she might feel the same way. Even if it's against everything logical. Because she is cold, she seems to be emotionless. (Doesn't mean she is. You have seen sparkles of emotion in her eyes the day Roy Sanders died.)

And on top of all she always freaks out when you come too close to her. As if she needs to distance herself from everything outside.

You smack yourself on the back of your head for drowning in your helpless thoughts about an agent you will never reach, who will never be yours if you don't take a step forwards. (Possibly even not yours if you tell her the truth about everything you are feeling. For her.)

…

And tears are streaming down your face.

You were not ready for this.

You thought it might be better to tell her after all, but it seems it just turned it all into the worst.

Because she doesn't seem to understand it, maybe she is just as drunk as you are. But you can't know that. There is no sign, just as always. She could also feel the same and just not tell you. There is no way to be sure.

And suddenly you loose control over your body. The world turns black. And you feel your legs give out under you.

…

Slowly you open your eyelids. And the first thing you notice is the streetlights flying by. The only explanation is that you're inside a moving vehicle. (Not that you remember getting anywhere.)

Your body is still shaking, you feel as if you have been lying in ice for hours. But there is a soft, thick jacket spread across your body (You can't remember taking one with you.) and a warm shoulder your head is leaning onto. (This one you really didn't bring with.)

You turn your head and blink in the attempt to get a better view of the person next to you. As far as you can tell it seems to be a she. But that's no surprise. What really surprises you is that the person is one Ziva David. (The one person who always makes your heart beat faster. Makes you feel weak in the knees, turns you into a puddle of Abby-goo every time she looks at you.)

But she can't know that, right? She usually is the queen at figuring things out and it wouldn't surprise you if she already had this one figured out. (But it would scare you if she knew. That would be really weird. You certainly would never tell her. Right?)

There's only one way to find out how much she already knows. Asking.

But there is still the chance she hasn't noticed you're awake yet, so you close your eyes once more, trying to fall asleep again.

Maybe things will become clearer after a little bit of rest for your body and soul.

Who knows? Better to give it at least a try, right?

…

You awake once more. This time, as you notice, hidden beyond a huge amount of blankets. You feel relaxed and warm until you notice that you're not lying in your own bed, and remember that you were out at a bar last night. (If it was last night…you can't clearly pin down that thought either.)

Then you are startled by the sudden movement next to you. And it's just then that you notice the other body next to yours. No other than the trained Israeli Ziva David.

Her dark curls shining in the moonlight and her skin in a soft golden, olive tone.

Her eyes closed and her face relaxed in a way you have never seen before.

She looks so peaceful in her slumber, so free. And there is nothing more you'd like to do than to caress her cheek. To remove that single dark curl that has falling down onto it.

What you wouldn't you give to keep her close.

May it be because of the rest of alcohol in your system or may it be the sleepiness in your system, you put your arms around her waist. Hold her close and snuggle your head right into the softness of her neck and shoulder.

You feel her react to your movement, hear her let out a sigh and then slowly turn around.

But she does not awake so you seem to have gotten lucky today. And you decide to relax into her soft form, at least as long as you can, feeling all safe like nothing bad can happen while you so close to her, in her embrace. And your breathing slows down until it's similar to hers and you fall asleep again.

Finally next to the woman you love.


	2. Chapter 2: baring your soul

Chapter 2

"Abby." You wake up to someone softly calling your name. "...come on, you shouldn't sleep any longer. It's not healthy to do that." The voice continues, now sounding a little bit concerned.

You lift you hands up to your eyes and rub a little bit. It isn't nice of that person to wake you. Who is the intruder of your sleep anyway?.

It only takes half a second for your mind to catch up with the events of last night. You remember her taking you with her. Keeping you safe. So you decide to open your eyes.

Already feeling a headache coming up you sit up before your eyelids are fully open. One hand running through your messy hair, you take a look at her.

She doesn't look a bit hung over. Her face as always flawless, her eyes awake, looking at you from the other side of the bed. Her bed, as you remind yourself.

You are not sure about what to say, so you just pull the blanket closer, up to your chin.

She stands up telling you, "I washed your clothes. They are not dry yet, so I put some that should fit on a chair next to the door. The bathroom is at the end of the floor, in case you want to take a shower. I'll go make some coffee." she says.

You nod your thanks, still trying to catch up with everything.

You are a little bit confused, and not as awake as you should be, so you decide to really take that shower first. The rest has to wait until you are ready.

A good fifteen minutes later, you leave the steamed up room. A towel swung around your body, hair limp but definitely clean now. You feel fresh. (Not that it was much of a question after this really cold shower.)

You tap across the floor headed in direction of the bedroom when she calls out for you. "Abby?" You answer interested "Yeah?" "I was just wondering if maybe you would like to eat some lunch...?" was the almost shy reply.

"I think that would be nice. I'll just get dressed first, okay?" you mumble back to her. "Yeah do that, I'll just wait here." If you didn't know Ziva better you would guess she would turn deep shades of red now. But you do know her, so it seems impossible. Maybe she is indeed a bit hung over. You never noticed this kind of softness, shyness in her voice before.

You still wonder about her so you don't notice yourself running against a closed door. Your head knocks against the frame and you stumble and fall. You hear the screeching of a chair being pushed over wood and then she is right next to you. "What happened? Are you alright?" You notice the panic and sincere worry in her voice and all you can do is wonder more about her.

She really isn't her usual self today. (But maybe, and that's what you hope, she is more herself today than she's ever been before at work.)

The new Ziva is picking you up. Carrying you back to the bed. You a turn a deep shade of red while you are trying not to look into her eyes as she fusses over you.

She's really tender and caring and you wonder what influenced her that much to let her not show any of this caring beauty at work with all the people that love her.

Does she just not trust you, or is she afraid any of you could make jokes about her being all nice and soft?

It is sad. Makes you even sadder to know she doesn't seem to have anyone to know that side of her. You don't like that. You always try to look beneath the surface, to see the real person behind the facade. You want to know every little detail that makes them who they are.

So you decide to risk it and ask "How come you never talk about your family. Do you have a mother or a father. I mean of course you do, well, you know...but do you see them a lot? And what about siblings, do you have a brother, sister? Are you married, gonna be married?", You gasp for air, " I know I'm rambling, but you know you never talk about yourself. Why not tell me? I'm a very good listener."

"Abby..." she begins, but you interrupt,

"Please, Ziva. I even promise not to tell anyone. I just can't stand everybody always keeping their secrets. Please, tell me about yourself, even if it's just a little, please. I just want to get to know you."

You look at her, she keeps her face hidden behind her hair. She's fiddling with the bed cover under her fingers as if she is nervous.

"I..." she begins.

"What?" you ask softly.

"I can't tell you, I can't tell anybody. You would hate me, damn it, you would want me dead." "Come on Ziva, it can't be that bad."

You try, but inside you are not calm anymore, you are pretty nervous about what secret she might be hiding.

"Well, if you promise not to go mad and run off I'll show you something and then explain it to you."

"That doesn't sound so bad. I'll just dress first and then we can talk over a cup of coffee."

You watch Ziva walk to a shelf and take out a book of some kind.

"Yeah...you do that," she says "I'll see you in the living room." All the while she's shying away from looking you in the eye.

You can only nod, before you turn away. You hear the click when she closes the door behind her. Then you get dressed. Everything fits, so after only a few minutes you sit comfortably on the soft leather couch in Ziva's living room. She fiddling with the book in her hands and you with the pot of coffee between you fingers.

"So what is it that you find so hard to talk about?" You ask her curiously, trying to sound calm.

"I think it is the easiest way to just show you a few pictures."

She opens the album with shaking hands. Right there on the first page is a picture of what appears to be Ziva at a really young age. A smiling woman is standing next to her, holding her hand.

"Is that...?" "Yeah that's my mother. When she was still alive. She died only a few years later." She ran her fingers through the following pages looking for one especially.

"I'm gonna show it to you now, but I need you to not run away, I'd like to explain first." She tells you once more.

You can't say anything on this.

"I really need you to. Please, promise me you won't run until after I'm done. I couldn't live with you hating me without even knowing the whole story. Okay? Please...", she pleads now. So you can't do anything but to give in.

"Okay, I promise not to run." You say, feeling the truth of your statement, even though you're not sure you won't freak out at least a little.

Ziva only nods. Then she opens the book once more. There is a picture of a boy and a girl standing very close to each other. The girl is smiling and she has the boy's hand on her shoulder. The boy however is not smiling as openly as the girl.

"This is my favourite picture of him and me." Ziva explains. "It was taken before my, before our father brought us into Mossad. My sister was not born yet. It was the last summer we were only brother and sister."

Abby's mind is racing through all explanations. So who is he? What happened? What is that hard about this truth? She only asks one question.

"What is his name, Ziva?"

Ziva seems really shy now, even to the point of looking frightened. "You really want to know?"

"Yeah, just tell me."

"My brother's name was Ari Haswari."


	3. Chapter 3: keeping it together

Chapter 3

No, it just can not be that her brother is the same man who killed your sweet Caitlin, can it?

Your mind is racing, heart pounding in your chest. She is looking so guilty, as if everything that happened is her fault.

"You don't have to feel guilty. You are not the one who shot her. He is. There was nothing you could have done."

It's hard to say these words. Even though you forgive her already. Sure, Kate's death was the hardest thing in your life, but she is not to blame.

"But I should have known. If only I had known what he was planning. If I hadn't been this blind to the truth, maybe, I could have stopped him before he did it. Not after, when he already was in Gibbs' basement..."

"Wait, give me a second." You ask confused. "But Gibbs killed him, didn't he? That was what he told all of us. And Gibbs never lies, at least not to me."

Ziva seems to be thinking for a second. Then she blurts out the truth.

"He lied to protect me from my father's punishment. I would be dead by now if Gibbs hadn't told all of you that he was the one who killed Ari."

"But why..." You interrupt.

"My father is the Director of the Mossad. He would have ordered me to be killed had he known I killed my own brother, his son. You cannot tell anyone _ever_, Abby."

It shocks you to realise how much her admission could cost her, and it surprises you how much she must trust you to be telling you this.

"Is that why you..." She interrupts before you can finish your question.

"Yes, that's why I needed to stay here." She whispers voiceless. "Although it is not the only reason." She admits even softer.

You decide to let that second comment slide, at least for now.  
You feel sorry for her. But you still have to ask.

"How did it happen? I mean, you wouldn't have killed your brother just because someone told you so, at least I wouldn't."

"No, you're right."

And so she begins.

"Gibbs knew I had the necessary facilities to contact Ari. He wanted to proof to me that he was right about him and his betrayal.

He believed me to do what was right when the moment would come. I didn't think any second that Ari would really tap into the trap Gibbs and I had set. I guess I didn't really know him anymore, even before the moment he got into Gibbs basement."

She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes when tears start to come. You suddenly feel like an invader. You have never seen her cry before. You thought she didn't do it. This was why you hadn't believed the rumour about her crying in the bathroom once.

She concentrates once again and then continues talking.

"He started talking like he was mad. About the bastard our father was, how he would kill Gibbs because he reminded him of our father. When he finally raised the weapon in his hands I couldn't wait any longer. If I hadn't done it, Gibbs would be dead."

"So he owed me, but now I owe him too. I saved his life and he saved mine in return. Knowing what would happen to me otherwise."

She takes on deep breath.

"I killed him, my brother, the only one who ever stood up for me. I killed him with one single bullet between the eyes. Just like he shot your beloved Caitlin."

One for another significant other, your crazy mind adds.

"But it hurts so deep inside." She's whispering again. Seemingly all the strength has left her body.

"Oh my god, why didn't you ever tell?" You ask her.

"I..." Ziva seems to struggle with the right words. Instead she starts sobbing once more. You ask yourself how she could have kept all of this back for so long. You have the sudden urge to hold her.

"I didn't think you would understand." Even more tears followed.

"I do now." You reassure her. (Even though you can't help asking yourself what changed. Why she was able to tell you now.)

And with these words you pull her closer, caress her cheeks. Wipe away the tears with your thumbs. She is shivering, but her erratic breath is hot on your neck. You take one of the blankets lying on the armrest of the couch, spread it out over your intertwined bodies. Use it to cover the two of you.

You sit there for a long time, entwined, she still shuddering, you keeping her close. The shirt you're wearing soaked from her tears.

You try a light smile when she opens her eyes, unusually red, but still beautiful and warm in their darkness.

"Just give it some time, everything will fall into its place. We'll talk later if there is anything else you feel the need to tell. Everything is gonna be alright." You promise her and yourself too.

"Now that you're here." She replies. "Now that you know, right?"

"Yeah, but seriously, I'm starving, we should eat something." You earn a smile and know that it will be all right. For once it was all right to show your weakness. Not only for you, but for her too.


End file.
